Healing Into Life – Rick

Rick’s Surrender Story

Having worked in the Healing Arts for 20 plus years I learned that one of the gifts of healing is listening to others. Really listening, being present with the person in front of you and not thinking about what you’re going to say next or do next is the true gift of listening. I tried to bring that into my daily practice with every client and every one I met. Sometimes someone simply sharing their story and being heard brings a level of healing presence into their hearts.

Rick is a friend, who’s story of the accidental death of his beautiful 20 year old daughter needed to be heard and to be shared so that it may bring a level of healing to others in a similar situation. Rick remembers that when this tragedy occurred, he was looking for anyone and any thing to help him relate to it.

In November 2007, his 20 year old daughter was a pedestrian and hit by a deputy sheriff on a local major interstate. She had a friend with her and they were both hit and killed instantly. They were both just 20 years old and the other girl had twin boys that were less than a year old at the time. Rick explains how overtime a “Softening” occurred for him in dealing with his grief.

T: Thanks Rick for taking the time to share some of your story. I can’t even imagine how tremendous the pain and grief is initially when a loss like this occurs.

R: At first the grief is an everyday thing, about 20 hours a day, coping, thinking, asking why and being angry. Asking why and being angry at the world, angry at myself and angry at her for being there. There were a lot of unanswered questions.

Time softens the blow, but nothing ever heals that. You learn to cope with it, you don’t have a lot of options. You either deal with it or curl up in a ball. I know my daughter wouldn’t want that and it wouldn’t be productive for anybody.

T: Was there ever an instance where you noticed a shift or a letting go of some of the pain?

R: I can’t remember an instance of letting go, it’s been more of a softening over time. You go from a period of thinking about it all day long where it consumes your thoughts, to a period where it’s just a time or two a day.

Now I’ve gone to a place where I feel guilty if I haven’t thought of her. I think your biggest fear as a parent is if the kid that you lost becomes forgotten.

My ex-wife and I made an endowment at the local community college in her name. It’s in perpetuity and renews itself every year. A student gets a $1000.00 scholarship every semester in the drama department, because that’s what she loved. Almost every time the students writes us a letter on how grateful they are and how the scholarship affected them. It’s the K.V. Shining Star Scholarship. There’s a plaque on the wall at the college with a little story about her. Those are the things you reach out for to have her remembered. Things like this soften the loss a little bit.

T: Was there anything else along your journey that helped you cope?

R: I went to a counseling about a dozen times. It helped to talk to him and cry with him. This has changed me emotionally. I’m a much softer person than before this happened. I can now cry when I need to which I didn’t before this. So in that sense I had a letting go of the wall or the armor that we all carry.

I feel like I have to be more of an ambassador now for others, for when something like this happens to someone else. Instead of standing back I feel I need to reach out and tell them they’re not alone. It does bring it to the surface as well. And still, nothing prepares you for it.

T: Do you have a faith or a religious belief that helped you through this?

R: I have a faith and believe in one God. I’m not overly religious. If anything, it was more of a blow to my faith asking why would God allow something like this to happen. So I questioned my faith. Now I’m at a place where I think, well, maybe he needed her.

T: Is there anything else that helps ease the pain and keeps her memory alive?

R: My daughter had $800.00 in her bank account when she died. We didn’t want it and decided to give it to her two best friends who were struggling at the time. Both had babies, no fathers and were living month to month. Within that first year both of them met responsible men and are now doing really well. We all felt like our daughter was watching out over them! They stop over on occasion and have dinner and always remember her. She’s living on in many ways.

I’m still thinking of things to do to keep her memory alive. I went to Colorado in November and took a cup of her ashes and climbed up Bible Point, it’s a religious area run by the YMCA. She had been there two or three times as a child, so it had memories of her. There’s a journal and a pen there. I took some quiet time and wrote down my thoughts, then I climbed up to the highest area that felt safe. The wind was blowing slightly as I took her ashes out and shook them gently and they just went on the wind over the valley. It made my heart soar and felt freeing to release them into the wind.

I had released some of her ashes in a park in Tokyo and again with my son in Hong Kong, so she travels. I also have a key chain that says “I’ll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven.” I have little things around that are memories.

T: Is there anything else that you’d like to share and pass on to others in their healing journey?

In sharing, I hope this helps for someone in some way. There’s a softening. Each time you come back to it, it doesn’t hurt as much. The realization that she’s not coming back is always there. It’s so far removed now that it just doesn’t hurt as much. Talking about it allows you to soften it over time, but it is a double edged sword as it still brings up the pain.

She’ll live in my heart forever. As a father you think it’s a fathers responsibility to watch over his children, keep them safe and protect them. We made it through the challenging years . And just one night everything changed. She went out with a friend and ran out of gas. They were walking back to a filling station. It was a construction area and they chose to cross the road in the dark. A patrolman was getting off of work and hit them both. We bought a bible, inscribed it and sent it to him as we thought how awful it must have been for him too. I thought we handled it well in the moment.

T: How are you doing now, in this moment that we’re talking about it?

It’s a lot to process. It’s better than I thought it would be talking about it. If it were to help somebody down the line in any way, it’s a positive thing.

The best advice I can give is for someone to seek out a group and talk about it with people who have maybe gone through it and processed it. Seek help with people who have been through it or a counselor. Don’t internalize it or try and figure it out yourself.

T: Thanks Rick for taking the time to share the love and beauty you have for your daughter and your experiences with us. It was an honor to hear how you hold her in your heart, your thoughts and your memories.