What does that even mean, Healing into Life? I’m currently in the process of letting it unfold through me as opposed to my old way of doing, pushing, creating, making things happen, taking action steps and my endless to do lists.
For today, this moment, I am letting life flow. At any moment I know I can kick into my old patterns and begin to over think, over analyze and over do. That’s how I was raised. Keep moving, don’t stop, there’s always something you can do and no matter what, don’t be lazy, that is a sin… and you know what that could mean to my old thinking brain.
“Healing into Life, healing into Spirit” came to me in a meditation a couple of weeks ago via that voice that has shown up in my life every once in a while. I heard the phrase, over and over again, in the same male voice that I’ve heard before. This time it was soft and knowing, breaking through the silence of meditation, yet still repetitive enough to get it through. It’s an inner voice beyond hearing, heard by the heart of my being and still, it has a sound vibration outside of me, like someone speaking to me very clearly in a small room. And no I’m not crazy or hearing voices as some of you might protest. If that’s your reaction, this post is not for you. This is the voice of the Divine that has saved my life, directed and informed my life on a multitude of very special occasions since I was young. So I listen and pay attention when I hear it. To my analytical mind it usually doesn’t make a lot of sense and yet it makes complete sense in my heart of hearts. My inner knowing, my inner intuition is awake and alert knowing this is something big, this is a turning point, this IS a Healing of a very different kind.
I heard this voice a few short months back when it told me in a booming voice in the shower to “Surrender – write about surrender.” I protested with a million excuses. The voice literally rattled the room, the shower glass shook and so did I. I heard “Surrender That, Surrender the “I’m Not That.” “Who are you Not to do this.” I heard it all, very loud, very clear and very commanding. “Write about Surrender Tracey, you know this, gather the stories and share the stories…write surrender stories… Trust The Process.” In that moment my mind stopped resisting and I surrendered to surrender.
After that I went through some crazy mental gymnastics and finally got the courage up to interview some friends that I knew had meaningful stories. I wrote them up and that’s as far as I had gotten. My intention was to share them on my blog… someday…thinking maybe that was enough… and here we are. “The Healing into Life, into Spirit” message made it clear of what I was supposed to do next, I didn’t need to hear it again in order to listen.
This is a risk for me, to put words to a page, to share my stories and the stories of others. I feel vulnerable and raw and it’s frightening. When I ask myself why does it feel so risky I can come up with hundreds of excuses; you’re not a writer, you stumble with words, you haven’t written since you were a teenager, you suck at punctuation, you are a visual artist, you paint what you see and hear, who do you think you are, you’re not important and no one want’s to hear your stories. You have no talent, no writing experience, your spiritual stories mean nothing to others, you’ll get crucified… WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO WRITE ANYTHING?
Yup, that’s my brain on self judgement!
I’m here to step through my fears with the intent of inspiring others by what I share about my story of surrender and Healing into Life, into Spirit. Here I have cred, I was diagnosed with a meningioma, a benign brain tumor after having what I described as black out headaches several years ago. Prior to this I barely took an aspirin, did weekly yoga, meditation, Tai Chi and Kung Fu. I took care of myself, ate well, organic, no chemicals, did body work, somatic therapy and 20 years of other various cognitive, psycho and transpersonal therapies. I worked in Health Care since 1991 in one form or another, was a Registered Nurse, got my Masters Degree in Classical Five Element Acupuncture, had clear boundaries, knew how to say no, was not a door mat, had my own successful acupuncture business for almost 10 years and had a boatload of other healing art certificates under my belt. And still… life happens.
After spending about a year doing every other Alternative and Integrative therapy I could find (and there were a lot available to me living right outside of Boulder CO) and not getting any permanent relief for the blackout headaches, I finally went to my Primary Care Doc. Thankfully she listened and ordered a CT scan of my head. I was immediately sent fo an MRI within a couple of days. After the MRI was finished while lying on the table, the attendant casually said “we’re going to send these up to the doc, he wants to take another look, stay here for a couple more minutes.” I immediately thought, uh oh, that’s not good.
And that’s how it all began.
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
