My first diagnosis of a brain tumor was 5 years ago in 2014, and wow, has my life changed since then. I have grown more deeply as a person than I could have ever imagined. I’ve transformed, fought, been a victim and a cry baby, beat myself up, been angry, negotiated, resisted, doubted, surrendered, been blessed, accepted and developed a deep abiding trusting faith in the Divine.
Going through this I have become deeply grateful for this experience, meditated daily, become centered and stepped through and let go of many, many old fears and beliefs that no longer serve me. I learned to surrender in the most loving, accepting Divine way imaginable and have been Graced because of it. I have become One with the amazing Divine that is within us and all around us on so many occasions it’s difficult to put into words.
It was not an easy process. This transformation required work and the willingness to dig deep, to make change and to dive into the depths of my unconscious beliefs. It’s not over, life continues to unfold and I look forward to whatever is next. I am a better person on the inside and there’s a level of freedom from fear that’s so liberating I rest in quiet internal joy most days.
Prior to this current MRI I was meditating daily and totally accepting of any outcome the Divine had to offer. I put my Divine outcome out into the field of unlimited possibilities and trusted. I was doing daily breathing exercises, stayed grounded and centered in my yoga practice and accepting of what is. Previously this wouldn’t have been the case, I would still have been carrying some fear, anxiety and trepidation, which is ultimately self victimization. I had an old story of ”I’m a Registered nurse, we’re trained to look for everything that can go wrong. I know too much. A craniotomy is not the road I’m going down.” I fought it from the first diagnosis, from fear. I did everything I could think of, because I’m a very good door and thinker.
Thinking and doing are necessary, but when they are out of balance and that’s all you have, it’s not going to be pretty. Some day the imbalances catch up with us. Our mind, emotions, feelings and spirit need some attention too. I’ve meditated on and off since the 1990’s. I taught yoga and meditation at an integrative cancer center from 1997-2002. I continued an intermittent personal yoga/meditation practice over 20 years, studied the Bhagavad Gita, followed the works of Ramana Marharshi, Papaji, Dr. David Hawkins, followed the teachings of The Masters of the Far East, read The Science of Mind/Ernest Holmes, believed in Christ consciousness, did a Course in Miracles, did Byron Katies 9 day school for the Work in 2002, did Tony Robbins Self Mastery course, studied Tai Chi, Qi Gong and Shao-Lin Kung-Fu, became a Five Element Acupuncturist, studied Chinese medicine and read the Tao de Jing and studied books on world religions… amongst others. Still, I had fear and never touched the depth of Spirit that I have since I began this brain tumor journey. Therein lies the gift.
I honor and respect your beliefs, please respect mine. I’ve struggled with my Religious upbringing and spent many a day in therapy and lots of money trying to reconcile the contradictions and judgements in the dogma I was taught and the negative actions that took place instead. I’m not here to blame, shame or go into victim mode because I no longer believe in that. I already missed the mark and lived hell here on earth in the past and I am living here, now, joyously in heaven on earth, in Divine Presence. Ultimately this could be titled “Healing into the Divine.”
I’m a Spiritual Being, I own that with Love and Joy. As a woman in a patriarchal society of thousands of years, being negated as secondary in most religions and treated as second class in many situations in this day and age, I reject that with love and respect.
I love the ecumenical teachings of Richard Rohr. His statement regarding Jesus in his book “The Universal Christ” says, “He came in mid-tone skin, from the underclass, a male body with a female soul, from an often hated religion, and living on the very cusp between East and West. No one owns him and no one ever will.”
It has taken me a lifetime to embrace God as the Light of the Divine that shines within and around every one of us, as true love and grace. For me I had to turn GOD into:
G-race
O-f the
D-ivine
Grace Of the Divine, my heart can accept that and my head can too. Here my heart opens and my spirit soars. I connect, give and receive from this place of the Divine, of Grace, of God, of the Light of Christ, of Source, of Oneness, of Presence, of the Field or the Now… or whatever you choose to call it… we are All One. I am here only to share my journey and the stories of others, from this place, the truth of my being.
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
