Surrender means many things to many people. I first experienced Surrender at a Dr. Joe Dispenza Advanced Meditation Retreat in Cancun Dec. 2016. After experiencing a full on awakening of my pineal glad at his Denver Progressive 2015 workshop, I was all in to experience more. I had taken a Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training many years ago and was never able to even get close to accessing that place. In one day, during an hour long meditation, this experience of Oneness with the Divine came out of nowhere and it blew up my preconceived notions of what an awakening experience was, in a very loving, deeply Divine way.
I signed up a year later for his Advanced Meditation retreat in Cancun 2016 where I had the simple Intention to learn how to Surrender. I had already been diagnosed with a meningioma. Thankfully they are benign/non-cancerous tumors, yet they continue to grow inside your scalp and displace other tissues which may or may not lead to other problems. I knew that from having spent a year experimenting with many other modalities, nothing was shifting the tumor and that I had to “accept” on some level that I didn’t have control!!!! Me, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t shift it, nothing was changing it, not diet, not therapy, nothing…. ohhhh…. my ego was getting slammed, my arrogance was getting crushed, my internal space was changing and I knew I had to fully let go… but how? When you’ve spent a large portion of your life doing inner work, being healthy, blah, blah, blah, and letting go a good 80% of the time, I had to ask myself “how’s that working for you now?” And then, “How do you let go fully and completely that last 20%?” I didn’t know.
I went in to the workshop with the Intention to Surrender, not knowing how or what that really meant. On some level I trusted the process. I loved the meditations I had been doing since July 2015. I had let go and changed a lot of my old beliefs because of the daily meditations. I trusted the loving energy and intentions of Dr. Joe Dispenza. I trusted my intuition that this was right for me at the right time.
I remember thinking, I don’t know what fully Surrendering means but I know it’s time. I know I can’t do this on my own any longer. I had a visual of my two hands open, full of my illusion of control, of whatever I was holding on to, then bending down and placing “it” at the feet of the Divine, saying “please take this from me, I can’t do it any longer on my own. Please help me to Surrender this burden, whatever that means. I am here to Surrender into Grace, into the Grace of the Divine.” That is where that saying came from for me. When it popped into my head it was like having a soft warm ocean wave to ride, to carry me like a soft pillow as I fully let go into the depths of my being, into the depths of the ocean of myself and of the depths of the Divine. I let myself be carried 100% for the first time in my life and it was blissful. I let go fully and completely, surrendering all of my struggles and illusions of control, of my full being into Grace… and I was carried. I have goose bumps and am crying grace filled tears as I remember this life changing moment.
I trusted, I believed there was something better for myself and I surrendered. There’s no going back and I would never want to. I know for some, Surrender conjures up a sense of giving up or giving in, in defeat to another, not me. For me, Spiritual Surrender means many things, some of which are:
*Letting go into the Grace of the Divine.
*Letting go of holding on to wanting something to be a certain way or to turn out a certain way.
*To totally and utterly let go of the beliefs that I have control of a situation or can affect an outcome.
*To lay down my internal struggles, my desiring, my mental manipulations, my judgements in order to get something either I don’t have or to get rid of something I do have.
*To admit I don’t have it in me to figure this out (think it out) on my own, any longer.
*To trust in the love, beauty and grace of something greater than myself, knowing “it” has my highest interest at heart, whether it be the grace of the Divine, God, Christ, Spirit, the void, space, a higher power, angels, any religious belief, buddha, nature, or anything that works.
*To give all of myself to the Grace of “that” energy, belief or power, fully and completely.
*To let go of needing to know how or why… trusting in the process.
*To let go of even having to let go.
I know others think differently and some, like me in the beginning, don’t know. One of my big questions (thank-you thinking mind) is, “Is there a Difference between Letting Go and Surrender?”, or is it levels of letting go that bring us to Surrender. My hope is to explore this going forward with sharing the stories and experiences of others along the journey.
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
