My husband Charles went through 2 liver transplants back in 2012 and 2013. It was a harrowing few years. It began years before after having been in a bad car accident in 1971 where he received a blood transfusion. This was prior to the medical world testing blood for Hepatitis C. Eventually Charles was diagnosed with Hep C in the mid 1980’s. Having been told the seriousness of it, how alcohol and chemicals affect your liver, he lived a clean healthy life. During a yearly routine exam in 2011 he was told how great he was doing, how all his blood values were still in normal healthy range and that he “could be the poster boy for living well with Hepatitis C.” Thankfully his doctor was smart enough to order a yearly CT scan “just to be safe”. Unfortunately the very next day he was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his liver, which is a common occurrence after years of Hep C. The location of the tumor was perilously close to the hepatic vein which carries blood to the largest supply vein in the body. Just centimeters away, if the cancer grew and entered into the vein, it would be carried throughout his entire body to a deadly effect.
In April 2012 Charles was immediately placed near the top of the Liver Transplant list due to the emergent factors. By Nov. 2011 we had our first false alarm run to the hospital. We jokingly referred to it as “the test run.” We were ready. During the pre-op testing and workup it was determined he had a hole in his heart which was repaired on Valentines day. While waiting for a donor he underwent a chemo procedure placing chemo pellets at the tumor site without success.
The next call came in May of 2012. This one was real. Unfortunately after several hours in post op recovery things began to take a turn for the worse. He wasn’t expected to live through the night. He was placed on an emergency call list for transplants in Colorado and all the surrounding states. None came. He miraculously lived through the night.
The docs were fantastic and kept him alive through many ups and downs in the ICU. Many miracles occurred to keep him alive. People all over the world were praying and meditating for him to recover and heal.
I was a wreck. My nursing brain was on overdrive. I made sure someone was in the dark cold ICU room with him 24/7. I monitored the monitors, the people, the meds, everything. I was not going to let anything slip by. I reoriented him to where he was and what was going on to the exhaustion and impatience of others around me. I drove a few people crazy, I’m sure, but I knew what I was doing and I didn’t care. I asked questions and questioned a lot of things. I kept on it. I was there one night alone when he began crashing and yelled for the nurses to come running. I sat watching the crash cart being pulled in and the doc orchestrating the meds and the team around him. I watched his steady calmness and I watched the monitors to my horror. I remember thinking, you’ll see it in the Docs face when he starts to get uncomfortable or nervous, don’t freak out until then. Fortunately he stabilized and it didn’t come. He spiked fevers for days afterwards and I packed him in ice to save brain cells.
He was extubated for a day at a time here and there and then intubated again and again. One late night right after he was extubated I was walking around the end of the bed and he spoke. In a very small squeaky voice I heard him say “I’m going to go now, I’m not going to stay!” The nurse was behind me and stopped in her tracks. I heard her take a big inhale. I too took a breath and with all the presence I could muster I remember thinking, don’t freak out, this is his journey, don’t get hysterical it could only make things worse. As nurses we know what these metaphorical statements can mean. I took that breath and walked over to him and leaned in. I could see his pupils getting smaller and smaller and his energy was decreasing, he was leaving. Big huge alligator tears were streaming down my face and I said “I love you, please stay. I would love for you to stay, with all my heart I would love for you to stay. So many people love you and we want you to stay.”
The room was dark, it was night time, the nurse hadn’t moved, she was watching the monitors intently for change. I was 4-6 inches from his face, eyes locked in – and out of nowhere a breeze from the left of my face swooshed though and past us, bathing our faces with a fresh breeze of loving fresh air. I knew it was the love of God, the Divine, and in that moment his eyes filled with life, his energy came back immediately and filled him up, his face got flush with color and he said…”OK, I’m gonna stay now” with a full strong voice.
To me that was a miracle, no other way to describe it! The nurse behind me let out a huge sigh and came over hovering around us with a huge laughing smile on her face. I took a step back and broke down into tears of relief and gratitude.
There were several other instances where the Divine was with us, where he shouldn’t have made it and he did. 2 plus weeks in the ICU and 9 months of tests, we all, the entire family and many friends, kept his gaunt body alive. Feb.2016 he received a second transplant and has not had one single issue since. 2 medications twice a day, that’s it.
Charles has had his own unique experiences with surrender going through this transplant journey. Here are just a few that kept him going.
T: Tell me about your experiences with surrender during your transplant ordeals.
C: I was facing transplant, of all that it entailed and all the uncertainty of it. I was facing many possibilities… a lot of them were bad. I was looking at how to face them and be okay with the not knowing. I came to a place where I understood that if I would Trust God and trust the doctors, it was all I could do. And knowing that whatever happened is what happened, and I would be ok. Whatever it was, I would be okay
T: How did you not go down the negative rabbit holes?
How did you avoid that, just in that trust?
C: Yes, I just trusted that everything is going to be okay, Surrendering to that.
The uncertainty of the magnitude of the medical procedures and the all the possibilities that could lead to… I was able to let all that go by knowing “trust God and trust the doctors.” And that I would be strong enough to deal with whatever happened. And to Trust that too!
Especially knowing I had support, rock solid support, from you and my family, that had been shown to me already. I just believed that everything was going to be okay.
T: And how do you live it now?
C: It comes up for me a little bit every year, especially when I have to get my CT scan and realize one phone call could change everything. I go back to that, just trust it’s going to be okay no matter what happens. Knowing even if I don’t make it, it’s still going to be okay.
T: How do you live your daily life from the place?
I live my life by being grateful for what I have in my life, my love, our love, our beautiful home and family, kids and grandkids, great friends. I told you this before, when you’re facing uncertainty of not knowing if you’re going to continue to be around, you recognize what’s important, and when you recognize what’s important, you realize it’s not material things, it’s not your last vacation or your next vacation, it’s not your house, it’s not your car or whatever material things you’ve tried to amass… it’s about the people you care about and who care about you. That’s what’s important, not anything else!
When I’m grateful for an experience, I think, I could have missed this. I also do this when I think I’m having a bad day. On good days when I’m witness to something special, whether it’s love or nature’s beauty, I recognize I could have missed this. When I’m having a bad day I have a version of that, thinking I could have missed this too and this isn’t so bad after all. It’s all temporary. That’s a big part of it, knowing that everything is temporary. That’s my daily gratitude, and the confidence that everything is going to be okay, no matter what.
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
